You’ve seen it, the church marquee that reads: ‘Come as you are'! Well I did, and I remember my first thought: “Finally, someone wants me just the way I am, how amazing is that?”. After all, since I had spent most of my life (well up to that point) searching for someone to accept me and want me in all my strangeness, it was an answer to my heart’s cry to actually find someone. And then to think….it is God!
In the beginning it was amazing! He loved me, I loved Him back - it was truly that simple. But somewhere along the journey “works” happened. The love I shared with God took a back seat to a misbelief that as a Christian, there were things I “should” and “shouldn’t” be doing.
So, as a Born-again Christian, I began working hard at cleaning up aspects of my behavior or actions that reflected my life “before Christ”. I passionately pressed in with God to defeat all the sins of my flesh like drinking, cussing, R-rated movies, non-Christian music, etc. while also practicing all the “Good things” a loving child of God would do. I began volunteering to serve on every occasion. I studied His Word and practiced praying for others. Eventually, I became a teacher of the Word. I engaged in passionate worship and loved dancing before His throne. By all church standards, I grew exponentially as a believer the first 10 years. Yet, internally I was still afraid, insecure, judgmental, walking in shame, needing the approval of man, seeking validation from others, and ultimately lost to who I was and the joy of living as a free, loved child of God. Oh, but even worse, I couldn’t admit I was lost and confused (honestly, not even sure I knew I was) without the fear of causing someone else to fall. During some of my most challenging storms I even doubted God’s love for me. Somewhere deeply rooted was a religious belief that His love was associated with how much I was willing to sacrifice and lay down for Him and at those soul-ripping moments….I didn’t want to sacrifice anymore. I remember once crying out, “Why must I die too, wasn’t Jesus enough?” And another time, “If this is Your Love than go and love someone else.” Life was happening and I grew so tired of the pain and striving it demanded to survive. I didn’t want to live for life after death, I wanted life now. Yes, I was asking the big one: “Is this all there is to life?”. My realization that doubt existed in my heart opened the door to questioning my heart toward God. How could I possibly love Him if I was struggling with a love for my life? How could I be a child of God if I didn’t want to deny myself certain experiences anymore? I began to fear I was going to have to choose between life here on earth or an eternal life with Christ.
Thank God my dilemma was no surprise to my Heavenly Father! By the Spirit of God within me, I now know I was brought to this point by divine guidance. This collision of soul and spirit would be the beginning of my sight and ultimately— my freedom!
(….to be continued)