From Truth to Wholeness

FROM TRUTH TO WHOLENESS

I realized something about myself during one of those "let's challenge each other conversations with my husband this morning. 
There is an aspect of my personality, although it literally felt like a curse growing up, that is actually the key to the treasured spiritual revelations I have received over the years.
Let me explain. I was a good debater growing up. Not because I was argumentative but because I could argue either side. As far back as I can remember, I could see the many sides of a situation and fervently argue support of each one with an unwavering conviction. Yes, basically it was impossible for me to view the tail side of a coin without being aware it had a head. Through my eyes, there was never one side to any scenario. Life was a kaleidoscope; tilt it just a little and there was a whole new view! In fact, it frustrated me that others couldn't see what I was seeing. Obviously, this "curse" served as a peace making tool to reconcile struggling relationships. But for me personally, it served as a hindrance to growth, an anchor restricting any controversial or possibly unpopular action I might be contemplating. You see, my lack of a strong and secure social and emotional foundation, wrapped up in a fear of being wrong produced a polarizing fruit in my responses. This gift of sight (being able to identify with all possible perspectives) prevented ME from identifying where "I" stood. Before I could make a decision to stand on one conviction, my internal spiritual adversary began to passionately and successfully argue the other side. 
I can't tell you how grateful I was when I learned that the decision of which side of the debate to support was already made if I became a Christian! The guidelines in the church were clear about what or who was right and what and who was wrong! For the first time I could take a stand for what was True...I could choose a side (or so I thought)!
So this morning during our coffee chat I had an AHA moment. What I defined as a journey toward Truth (a Truth Seeker) was really a journey toward wholeness. And not just my own, but an instrument to reconcile others to their God-given state of wholeness. This is a journey that unifies the tail with the head. A journey that questions one side of the coin in order to give sight to the other. It isn't or wasn't a curse to overcome in my life but a gift to embrace. Finally, I understand! Jesus came as the Truth, yes! But He did so to show us the Way to unity, the way of peace (remember, His name is the Prince of Peace).
So what does that look like? I am embracing all aspects of who I am as the total sum of who I am. I am a multi-faceted, diverse woman. I have good moments and bad moments. I have successes and I have failures by all human standards. There are times I am boisterous and times I am withdrawn. There are times I feel like I can take on the world and other times I am down for the count. But it is ALL ME! No longer will I try to force my personality to fit into one side of the coin. I will extend grace, love and acceptance into my own life so that I will have it to give away to others. My belief is that when I allow you to be you, you will allow me to be me. Then, because we can trust each other, we will begin the process of tearing down the walls that have separated us. And with the walls demolished we will begin the journey toward healing our body and becoming whole.

Fake It 'Til You Make It, Really?

You’ve seen it, the church marquee that reads: ‘Come as you are'! Well I did, and I remember my first thought: “Finally, someone wants me just the way I am, how amazing is that?”. After all, since I had spent most of my life (well up to that point) searching for someone to accept me and want me in all my strangeness, it was an answer to my heart’s cry to actually find someone. And then to think….it is God!

In the beginning it was amazing! He loved me, I loved Him back - it was truly that simple. But somewhere along the journey “works” happened. The love I shared with God took a back seat to a misbelief that as a Christian, there were things I “should” and “shouldn’t” be doing.

So, as a Born-again Christian, I began working hard at cleaning up aspects of my behavior or actions that reflected my life “before Christ”. I passionately pressed in with God to defeat all the sins of my flesh like drinking, cussing, R-rated movies, non-Christian music, etc. while also practicing all the “Good things” a loving child of God would do. I began volunteering to serve on every occasion. I studied His Word and practiced praying for others. Eventually, I became a teacher of the Word. I engaged in passionate worship and loved dancing before His throne. By all church standards, I grew exponentially as a believer the first 10 years. Yet, internally I was still afraid, insecure, judgmental, walking in shame, needing the approval of man, seeking validation from others, and ultimately lost to who I was and the joy of living as a free, loved child of God. Oh, but even worse, I couldn’t admit I was lost and confused (honestly, not even sure I knew I was) without the fear of causing someone else to fall. During some of my most challenging storms I even doubted God’s love for me. Somewhere deeply rooted was a religious belief that His love was associated with how much I was willing to sacrifice and lay down for Him and at those soul-ripping moments….I didn’t want to sacrifice anymore. I remember once crying out, “Why must I die too, wasn’t Jesus enough?” And another time, “If this is Your Love than go and love someone else.” Life was happening and I grew so tired of the pain and striving it demanded to survive. I didn’t want to live for life after death, I wanted life now. Yes, I was asking the big one: “Is this all there is to life?”. My realization that doubt existed in my heart opened the door to questioning my heart toward God. How could I possibly love Him if I was struggling with a love for my life? How could I be a child of God if I didn’t want to deny myself certain experiences anymore? I began to fear I was going to have to choose between life here on earth or an eternal life with Christ.

Thank God my dilemma was no surprise to my Heavenly Father! By the Spirit of God within me, I now know I was brought to this point by divine guidance. This collision of soul and spirit would be the beginning of my sight and ultimately— my freedom!

(….to be continued)

Living Strong

DISCLAIMERS:

1) I am not against men nor do I believe women should overthrow or seek to dominate them.

2) Nothing would please me more than to see a man soar to his full potential and become the man he was created to be

3) However, I do not agree with the belief system that a woman must become less for a man to achieve his potential

4) In no way do I advocate that women rebel or give in to selfish ambition. Loving others as you love yourself and considering or deferring to others is a sought after Godly attribute.

5) I am fully aware that not everyone will receive what I present in the spirit of how I am giving it. No matter how something is meant, the receiver will always process it through their belief system. And, unless we are on the same page, you will probably read something into my words that was not intended to be communicated. I encourage you to not judge me and try to believe the best about my intentions.

6) Often when trying to make a point, only one side of an issue is presented. Therefore, know that there is more to what I am saying than you are receiving – it is not intended to be the whole truth!

7) Often when I refer to “man” I am not talking about a gender but a species

I know I have a passion to see women free to soar above the limitations society has put on them. So why do I hesitate to speak out or stand up for what I know is right? Once again it comes down to the fear of man and the labels we place on each other.

In my more than 30 years of living a Christian life, I have waited for opportunities to inject a brief comment here and there about the gender bias within the church walls. I admit it was usually as subtle as I could be in fear of being judged by my peers. Yes, the fear of man and my need for their approval goes all the way back to my lack of a father and the mountain of shame I had to find my way out of growing up (both physically and spiritually). I wish I could blame it on a Patriarchal society and the male dominance mindset when in truth, women judged me more than men did.

I think as women in the church we like hiding behind the men and holding them accountable for our insecurities and unfulfilled dreams. Surprisingly, even Jesus is used as a crutch to keep us from facing our fears and having the faith to move forward. After all don’t we believe that if He really wanted us to do something he would blow open the doors and speak clearly to our spirits? Maybe so, but then again, He might be waiting for us to have the faith to take the steps then He graciously comes along side us before we see the waters part.

So, “Am I a feminist?” That, my dear friends, is the question I have been asking myself secretly for years. By definition Feminism is the belief that women and men should have equal rights and opportunities religiously, politically, socially, and economically. Yes, I believe with all my heart and soul that God created all mankind equal (not alike but equal). And that His intent before the fall of man was for our individual gifts (not roles) to fit together to advance His kingdom. That meant where one was weak the other would be strong, that we would have each other’s back as partners in our growth and development, that we would build each other up in love and encourage each other, believe the best in each other and rejoice in each other’s victories. In the garden God provided ALL FOR ALL! It wasn’t until the fall that woman was placed under man’s dominion and her passion turned from God to her mate. Then came Jesus who redeemed (done deal! Not waiting for someone else to do anything) ALL of mankind back to their intended status with God in the garden. Yes, He paid the price for “the sin” that separated us with His blood. Unfortunately, our social evolution since the fall has not allowed for the fullness of what Jesus did to be experienced among His body. Even our ‘user friendly’ terminology such as servant-leader is a product of a man-made hierarchy that evolved from Eve’s seed of sin and man’s fear of releasing an uncovered woman into the world (after all, she can’t be trusted to not lead us all into sin again). I have heard it argued that the male leadership role is a product of the order of creation. Well, if that were true should not the animals be ruling over man?

Sometimes, I think we just grab for a reasonable sounding explanation for what we are really clueless to understand. Or, we just believe what others tell us without seeking out Truth?